Diana Leaney López Ruano

I have been financially independent since I graduated high school at 16.  I have not asked my parents for money since then and even though I’m broke, the little I have is what I have created.   Being the daughter of immigrants has been tough.  As a first-generation American if I wanted an education I had to figure out how to pay for it on my own.  None of that, “My grandparents have money saved for my schooling.”  Or, “I’m on my parent’s insurance.”  Nah, my siblings and I don’t get that luxury.  We get to figure things out on our own.  The eight of us siblings take each other to doctor appointments, learn about mortgages, and deal with our crap together.   I’m grateful for my immigrant parents and the things that I have learned from my upbringing. The lack of groundwork and stability provided means I have become strong building my own foundation (yes, I can use power tools as well as the next Latino).  However, I am also acu...

Most of my close friends have babies.  Its a thing.  The oldest of their children is nine.  The youngest less than a year.  Me?  I'm divorced and have no offspring.  Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let me tell you all about being a mom.  We are planning a girls trip cruise to Ensenada and I just sit in the background of the group chat waiting for my mom friends to find babysitters or sort things out with their husbands.  When asked for my opinion on dates my response is, "I don't have kids so you guys let me know what works for you and we'll do that." My schedule is wiiiiide open.  Including my nights.  I don't get woken up multiple times a night to comfort a hungry or grumpy child.  I can sleep, or stay up-  it is all on me.  (woot woot)  At my friend's kids' princess/prince birthday party I "borrowed" my niece in order to feel like I had a purpose to be there.  Her mom was there too so ...

This is what I needed God to tell me today. This is happening so that you can learn that you are enough.  This time.  This place.  This moment.  It was all designed so that you can learn that you are everything you need to be right now.  Nothing more, nothing less. Progress can be measured in so many ways.  My Daughter, know that I am God and that I know you.  Know that this too will be only a short while.  Your tears are ever flowing, but you're being molded into a deep river of powerful current that will not be stopped.  You do not know my plan for you. You just don't.  You don't know the grandeur of my plan, you only see what is in front of you.  Have I not shown you my love on so many occasions?  Have I not protected you, helped you, and comforted you when you needed it? Don't you know that I am here?  Don't you know that I am God?  Don't you see, see the joy that is to come if you just hold on a little...

My baby nephew Leonel Mateo died before he was two months old. It broke our hearts. When Nephi’s brothers and sisters-in-law lost their father, they “ mourned exceedingly ” and that led them to be angry at God for their sorrows and difficulties.  I’ve been trying to avoid that, but have been acting in the opposite extreme and have been avoiding mourning in general. I wish he didn’t have to leave. I treasured every moment I got to hold him.  Living with my sister and her family meant I got to hold baby Mateo in the precious moments when his parents needed to focus on other things.  Holding him was the purest, simplest joy my soul has felt.  Holding him meant that I was holding purity. Looking into his eyes taught me again and again that we don’t start at birth.  Burying him taught me that we don’t end at death. The members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are imperfect and sometimes make stupid mistakes, but we hold on to the knowled...

They lied when they said that the past doesn't define you. Of course it defines you. You are a compilation of all of your pain, all of your difficulties,  all of your trials, all of the mistakes and all of the loss you've experienced up until now. You are also a child of God. For that reason I remember, sitting in an interview with an ecclesiastical leader I was presented with a question that changed the way I see myself.  He said, "What would you be; without the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that you use as shields...  without the mistakes and fears that you use as masks...  without the racism, judgement and mocking you hold as a torch?  What would be left behind without all of that?" The answer was simple. A daughter of God. To some that may mean nothing.  To me it meant that I was not my pain.  I was simply a person that learned how to love their companion so deeply that I endured the darkest of hells while waking that I coul...

I hadn't written much over the past two years because I didn't want what I was living to be documented.  Or rather,  I could have documented it and gone to the police,  but I didn't.  I just left. A lot of you know what happened,  some through the grapevine and some from the original sources.  Basically,  I was in an abusive relationship and now I am in a happy one. August 2016.  An empty shell with long sleeves and a scarf to cover the bruises,  I walked into the University of Utah's Counseling Center.  I knew I needed to get help.  I was ready to end the pain at any cost,  so I filled out the questionnaire.  I was on the life or death end of severe situational depression.  She asked, "What reasons do you have to stay alive?"   I said, "Bella."   She asked, "Who can help you stay alive?"   I said, "Lauren."   She made me pinky promise that I wouldn't kill myself over the weekend and I held ...

A father.  A husband.  A follower of God.  A coach.  A leader.  A servant without applaud. An uncle.  A brother.  A counselor.  A light. An example and friend. Tio Paco A man is not measured by how extravagant and costly his house is,  but by the feeling inside of the walls he provided.  When he reaches heaven,  angels will measure the kinds words spoken,  the goals made and achieved,  the teachings given and lessons learned under the roof of his home,  none of which can be measured monetarily.  A man is not measured by his titles of power,  but the magnified humble titles of father,  husband,  friend,  uncle...  Tio Paco I miss you. My uncle passed away on Monday and as we gathered in his home to be with family I was subconsciously looking for the peace I had felt there many times before.   I found it.  I enter...