They lied when they said that the past doesn't define you.

They lied when they said that the past doesn't define you.

Of course it defines you.

You are a compilation of all of your pain, all of your difficulties,  all of your trials, all of the mistakes and all of the loss you've experienced up until now.

You are also a child of God.

For that reason I remember, sitting in an interview with an ecclesiastical leader I was presented with a question that changed the way I see myself.  He said, "What would you be; without the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that you use as shields...  without the mistakes and fears that you use as masks...  without the racism, judgement and mocking you hold as a torch?  What would be left behind without all of that?"

The answer was simple.

A daughter of God.

To some that may mean nothing.  To me it meant that I was not my pain.  I was simply a person that learned how to love their companion so deeply that I endured the darkest of hells while waking that I could still massage hades' back as he laid next to me at night.

He had trouble sleeping,  you see.  And massages helped him relax.  They also were the moments I hoped that he would feel me forgiving him.  Every night, loosening the tight muscles on his left shoulder that probably formed as he held up his phone to record me wailing in despair.

"I'll use this as proof." he would say. 
"If you ever go to the police, I'll use this to show them that you are the crazy one, not me."

I learned to cry silently, mastering the skill by the time our one year anniversary rolled around and couples therapy helped me realize that being abused doesn't mean you're crazy.  Feeling your heart being ripped to shreds by the knives of endless insults and broken promises doesn't mean you're unlovable.

It means the scars will heal over and that you'll be able to feel again.  Enough to love again.  Enough to trust again.  Next time a boy will break your heart you'll know that you've been through worse and that things will be okay.

No one can insult me more than I've already been insulted.  No one can betray me worse, or more blatantly deny me my divine right to be respected and loved.  I've been through it.  It.  It is not who I am yet going through it has helped me become... me.

I am what my experiences have led me to decide to be.  I decide to be me.

Diana Leaney Lopez Ruano.
Sister.  Cousin.  President.  Employee.  Friend.  Believer.  Teacher.  Niece.  Daughter.

My experiences define who I became.  I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for giving me the parents I was born to, the economy I grew up in, the minority status I have in society, the abuse, the love, the friendships, the leaders, the scriptures, and the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Without Him, I would still be the pain I have lived.  With Him, I am what I choose to become because of it.



I love my Savior.  I'm grateful I get to start over.  I'm grateful that I can remember without pain.  I'm grateful that I can use my experience to help others.  I'm grateful that I can define myself as a daughter of Heavenly Father who let me experience these things so that I can become the me He knows I can be.