Learned Helplessness

I have been financially independent since I graduated high school at 16.  I have not asked my parents for money since then and even though I’m broke, the little I have is what I have created.  

Being the daughter of immigrants has been tough.  As a first-generation American if I wanted an education I had to figure out how to pay for it on my own.  None of that, “My grandparents have money saved for my schooling.”  Or, “I’m on my parent’s insurance.”  Nah, my siblings and I don’t get that luxury.  We get to figure things out on our own.  The eight of us siblings take each other to doctor appointments, learn about mortgages, and deal with our crap together.  

I’m grateful for my immigrant parents and the things that I have learned from my upbringing. The lack of groundwork and stability provided means I have become strong building my own foundation (yes, I can use power tools as well as the next Latino).  However, I am also acutely aware of the fact that my muscles seem to somehow weaken when I’m around a boy.  “Will you open this for me please?” says the same Leaney that is at the gym 3x a week, but when accompanied by her crush doesn't push herself as much because of her learned helplessness.  

Call it machismo, call it self-depreciation, call it “being feminine”.  Call it whatever you will, but I was so surprised when I heard a young father tell his three-year-old daughter, “You can do it.”  She asked for his help buckling her car seat and he just repeated, “You can do it.”  

"You can do it."  
Wait, who me?

You, a girl.  The one who was taught to not leave the house without wearing lipstick.  Taught to allow her ex-boyfriend to yell at an institute secretary for a ticket that was his fault, because men are supposed to be strong and women be pretty.  No.  

You can do it.  

You, a granddaughter.  The one who was taken to martial art classes for years to learn to defend herself, but froze when the person she should have defended herself against was her grandfather as he cornered her to kiss and touch her in the most inappropriate way.  No.  

You, a wife.  You, a niece.  You, a sister.  You, an aunt.  You, a daughter.  You can do it.  I can do it.  

I am not helpless.  

I got a flat tire on Thursday.  I drive an all-wheel car and it needs all new tires soon, but can’t afford them right now.  I stress-cried in my three-wheeled car for a few minutes and then got to work.  Five women leaving work walked past me as I changed my tire without saying a word.  Maybe they were taught helplessness too because they didn’t even fake-offer to help, just quickly walked to their cars avoiding eye-contact.  One pregnant Latina asked if I was okay and I insisted that she go back to creating life because I was fine.  

I was lowering the car and dreading lifting the heavy punctured tire into my trunk when an older man walked by while saying, “Well, looks like you know what you’re doing.” and left.  Maybe his dad told his sisters, “You can do it.” as they asked him to help them change their tires.  Or maybe this is what it means to be self-sufficient: people assuming you’ve got it all figured out and leaving you to keep figuring it out on your own.  

I am not helpless, but I do need help.  

"And if Leaney come unto me I will show unto her her weakness. I give unto Leaney weakness that she may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all those that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  

(Paraphrasing Ether 12:27)

We wonder, "What is the point?!??"  When we have done our best and have tried to be good, but bad things happen anyway.  When we have saved money for a down payment, but an unexpected medical bill takes it all away.  When we've studied and graduated, but still have a crappy job.  When we give all we have, but the person we like decides that they're not interested.  

I wish I could, but I just can't do this on my own.  

I am weak and I need my God.  I need Him.  I need to be able to trust in something greater, someone greater than myself because if this is all there is then I don't want it.  Trusting in a God that understands science better than I do, time better than I do, eternity, space, and the soul better than I do gives me peace.  I am happy trusting in The One who has a plan R when I mess up plan Q.  He has patience when I lack.  He has knowledge when I am afraid.  Trusting Him does not mean that I am helpless.  

It means that I am learning hopefulness.  

I know that He was in my corner saying, "You can do it." as I faced my car troubles.  It would have been easy for Him to send someone willing to help, but instead I got a little reminder that I am not helpless.  My skills may be limited, my knowledge may be lacking, but with my God, I can do it.  


And so can you.