The trial of my faith

When I found out that one of my siblings removed their name from church records I had already started working in the Headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and was shocked. I didn't understand then as to why they did it. 

But I think I get it now. 

I'm understanding how much pain and suffering a single institution can hurt a human being. So many topics that are hurtful to those it affects... be it racism, sexual orientation, history, polygamy, colorism, gender roles and soooo many other questions unanswered and so much unapologetic pain. Yes, I have been struggling with my own trial of faith. 

After months of dealing with the confusion I felt as I contemplated on one of The Church's teachings that had been hurting me for almost a year, I had a meltdown. Maybe you've been a witness to one of my meltdowns, they’re all tears and not a lot of words. AJ asked me in his deep, comforting, but currently confused voice, "Are you having doubts about us?" I answered, "No, I'm having doubts about God."

It's hard. It's hard to admit that you're doubting. It's hard to admit that you don't understand. It's hard to think that something that you had easily believed in for your entire existence is the current cause of your pain. 

It has always been easy for me to testify of God's love. High School Leaney was too shy to be the first, but was usually the second person to stand up and give her testimony in any given seminary assembly. It was easy for me to see miracles as a missionary because I had no doubt that I was doing what God wanted me to do. The expected miracles promptly rained down whenever I wanted them to. I have such a special relationship with my Mother and Father in Heaven that even when I was being abused, cornered in the fetal position in the back of our closet, wailing and clinging onto my brother's sweater to remind me that I was human I could not deny God's love for me. 

So why is doubt engulfing my soul now, at 29, when I have already seen so many miracles and have endured and overcome so much pain caused by consequences of stupid mistakes that I have already repented of? 

Doubt sucks. It makes you question everything and everyone around you. It hurts. I let my doubt consume me, I walked farther and farther away from Heavenly Mother because I couldn’t get myself to ask “Why?” Why was I asked to accept a teaching that made me sad? It didn't make sense. I couldn't understand why I was faced with a decision that marked me for eternity. 

I already knew the answer. 

Have faith.

Uuuuuuuughhhhh. Faaiiiiiiithhhhh.

Quarantine has shown me just how far my heart had stretched from feeling the familiarity of unchallenged faith. I can hear it while I'm on the phone with an incompetent customer and I notice just how weak my charity muscles have become. 

Its almost gone. That fire that burned so brightly  as I testified assuredly to any soul that would listen on any train from Kichijouji to Shonandai has since then weakened into a dismal electric candle running low on battery. 

I'm hungry. I yearn for the light and inadvertent bounce in my step as I told people how much God loved them. I sit at my desk with a Portuguese translation of The Book of Mormon to my left, a blue pen saving the place where I stopped reading and remembering the realm of my ancestors. They saw Jesus Christ. My soul remembers seeing Him too.

I'm trying. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to read. I'm trying to pray. 

When I'm home alone I pray aloud and tell my Eternal Mother and Father that I miss them and that I'm sorry. I feel bad for doubting, but I feel worse when I let my doubt pull me away from something that has made me so happy, even during each trial of my life. 

I hope that changing my focus from what I'm struggling with to what I believe in can help me become someone different than High School Leaney, China Leaney, Party Leaney, Japan Leaney, Abused Leaney, or Recovering Leaney. I hope I can be the me that has faced her doubts straight on and continues to trust. 

I just want to trust.