Sh*t happens.

I don't swear, not out loud at least. Weeell, when I'm mad I'll say the D word in my head (or aloud, but softly). 

When I was in the fourth grade I would swear openly because I thought it made me sound cool.  I still feel bad about it sometimes.  My sister-in-law laughed at me when I mentioned my swearing guilt aloud.  

Guilt.  


Shame.  

Human connection is built on a ledger of cultural rules and stipulations that we must abide by or be seen as wrong, different, rude, feared, misinformed, or just, stupid. If I were to write out a numbered list of all of my "sins" you would be scrolling until JRR Tolkien dozed off from the regretful romantic repetition of my remorses.

Guilt.  

The difference between Guilt and Shame is that Guilt makes you want to change for the better and Shame makes you feel worthless for even existing long enough to make the mistake in the first place. 

Examples: 

• Guilt: "Swearing isn't helping my situation, I'll do better next time."

• Shame:  "Ew. I'm such a f*king piece of sh*t and this stupid-a*s swearing proves it. I'm disgusting.  No wonder no one loves me."

Shame.  

Lately I've been afraid to share thoughts in Church. I used to be the first one to walk up in front of everyone and talk about God's love, but now I hold back. Who even wants to hear what a divorced, overweight, hates-her-job-but-is-so-tired-of-rejection-so-she-stays-in-it introverted sister has to say?  I feel shame for my mistakes and don't think I deserve to talk in church.   

My Spanish vocabulary has improved over the years, but my words are heavier now. To shovel them out of my mouth I have to battle not only my pain, but that of of my ancestors. I have to therapy my way through generations of colonization, oppression, and overall depressive sh*t to finally raise my hand.  

However, when I push past the barrier of self-imposed ineptitude and share my story, I feel inherited strength as I share their stories too. 

Worth. 

Who are you to tell me that I have a right to be listened to?  Who am I to tell you if you're right or wrong?  You see, my 5 sisters and I are... different. Everything from what we cook to who we love is different. Although we may have been raised in the same west-side cities, born of the same immigrant parents, lived in the same middle-class homes, and have lived within the same range of skin tones... we are different.  Why?  Because sh*t happens.  

People change.
  

For better or for worse, we are constantly evolving and changing. We are all just a compilation of our experiences and how we felt while experiencing them.  We are us because of what we felt-

not anyone else-
not even our sisters.

Judgement 

We go through these difficult things and end up comparing our trials with those of others.  

"I have no idea how you did it."

"You're so strong."

"I wouldn't have been able to go through what you went through."

"My issue was nothing compared to yours"

"You're so much more brave than I am."

The above are all phrases that I have thought while comparing my trauma with that of one of my sisters. Maybe you've thought of something similar while comparing yourself to someone else. Maybe you've thought one while thinking about my story.  

DON'T.

DO NOT

Think that because someone else is in a different place than you, that your experience is meaningless. Each of us is going through our most difficult trial right now.  

DO NOT

Ignore your pain because it doesn't seem as bad as someone else's. Your pain is yours to heal and learn from. Take it, feel it, leave it.  

DO NOT

Think that the sin you have or the trauma you have makes you less than another person. Your worth is not dependent on your worthiness. 

DO NOT

Think that your difficulty makes you better than another person. Who would you be without your trial? A human. Same as other humans without theirs.

I'm telling this to myself as much as I mean it for you. Lets all stop judging each other on worthiness, purity, happiness, or nail length.  Lets feel what others have gone through and then see the person that they are now because of it.  We've all been through sh*t and if we just loved each other more, we would learn to keep progressing instead of feeling ashamed.  

We would love more freely knowing that no matter our sh*it, we are worthy.  

Love you, 

Nay