Diana Leaney López Ruano

They lied when they said that the past doesn't define you. Of course it defines you. You are a compilation of all of your pain, all of your difficulties,  all of your trials, all of the mistakes and all of the loss you've experienced up until now. You are also a child of God. For that reason I remember, sitting in an interview with an ecclesiastical leader I was presented with a question that changed the way I see myself.  He said, "What would you be; without the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that you use as shields...  without the mistakes and fears that you use as masks...  without the racism, judgement and mocking you hold as a torch?  What would be left behind without all of that?" The answer was simple. A daughter of God. To some that may mean nothing.  To me it meant that I was not my pain.  I was simply a person that learned how to love their companion so deeply that I endured the darkest of hells while waking that I could still massage

I hadn't written much over the past two years because I didn't want what I was living to be documented.  Or rather,  I could have documented it and gone to the police,  but I didn't.  I just left. A lot of you know what happened,  some through the grapevine and some from the original sources.  Basically,  I was in an abusive relationship and now I am in a happy one. August 2016.  An empty shell with long sleeves and a scarf to cover the bruises,  I walked into the University of Utah's Counseling Center.  I knew I needed to get help.  I was ready to end the pain at any cost,  so I filled out the questionnaire.  I was on the life or death end of severe situational depression.  She asked, "What reasons do you have to stay alive?"   I said, "Bella."   She asked, "Who can help you stay alive?"   I said, "Lauren."   She made me pinky promise that I wouldn't kill myself over the weekend and I held on to that pact until the nex