Diana Leaney López Ruano

I've always wanted to be a mother.  Yes, I will never be hired by the Government because of my liberal views on this facist society, but I have also always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and raise children with my spouse.  After 4 years of ultrasounds, blood tests, different medicines, fertility treatments, surgery, a cancer scare, and so many procedures; we were finally pregnant. A baby! We were going to have a BABY and I got cravings for burgers and fruit and was so excited to be pregnant alongside my sister who was about 4 weeks ahead of us in her pregnancy. We were so happy.  When someone gets pregnant when they are older they have a higher chance of having twins and since we did IUI, it increases the chance of twins as well which seemed daunting, but exciting! Maybe twins, but definitively pregnant! Yay, maybe two BABIES! I had some cramping a few weeks in, but my beautiful wonderful husband has developed a needed habit of talking down my anxieties and we had faith ...

 Who am I, but one human who exists on a planet surrounded by heartbreak, war and pain. I wonder, who am I but a fragile green blowing in the wind, willing itself not to crack, hoping its roots hold for just a moment longer.  When I was younger, I would lose myself in an un-reality that spiraled until all sense of self was gone. Who am I? What am I? What is an "I". What is a being? Is being me real? What is reality? Time, space, imagination. Is anything physical? Is anything something?  I would question until my sense of self dissipated to nothing.  I am still struggling to figure out, at 32, who I am to be when I grow up. Nothing is as I planned as a teen. Nothing exists in the same way. Colonization and its global horrors have built a society that pushes normal humans down and keeps the rich in power.  As we know, I did everything I was meant to do. I did well in school, put myself through college while working, served a Christian mission, graduated, worked. I...

To my Afro-Latinx son, I dreamed of you last night. You looked at me. I saw in your eyes the weight of being black in the home of the free white man. The fear of raising an Afro-Latinx in Utah stayed with me as I rose from my bed. I have been working on healing from my inherited colonization oppression so that maybe I can alleviate a bit of the difficult history that is your inheritance. 400 years of slavery-turned-oppression in the US + 500 years of colonization-turned-colorism in Latino America = too much for your eight-year-old shoulders to bear. I hope I can alleviate that burden. Principe bello know that even though our system is broken, it doesn’t mean that you are. You are not the problem. Unfortunately, your father and I will need to teach you how to survive in the Whitened States, but we will also teach you about your gorgeous African, Black, and Latinx heritage. Albeit, you will be confused. We definitively were while growing up. We were oreos and coconuts . Not white ...

I don't swear, not out loud at least. Weeell, when I'm mad I'll say the D word in my head (or aloud, but softly).  When I was in the fourth grade I would swear openly because I thought it made me sound cool.  I still feel bad about it sometimes.  My sister-in-law laughed at me when I mentioned my swearing guilt aloud.   Guilt.   Shame.   Human connection is built on a ledger of cultural rules and stipulations that we must abide by or be seen as wrong, different, rude, feared, misinformed, or just, stupid. If I were to write out a numbered list of all of my " sins " you would be scrolling until JRR Tolkien dozed off from the regretful romantic repetition of my remorses. Guilt.   The difference between Guilt and Shame is that Guilt makes you want to change for the better and Shame makes you feel worthless for even existing long enough to make the mistake in the first place.  Examples:   G...

When I found out that one of my siblings removed their name from church records I had already started working in the Headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and was shocked. I didn't understand then as to why they did it.  But I think I  get it now.  I'm understanding how much pain and suffering a single institution can hurt a human being. So many topics that are hurtful to those it affects... be it racism, sexual orientation, history, polygamy, colorism, gender roles and soooo many other questions unanswered and so much unapologetic pain. Yes, I have been struggling with my own trial of faith.  After months of dealing with the confusion I felt as I contemplated on one of The Church's teachings that had been hurting me for almost a year, I had a meltdown. Maybe you've been a witness to one of my meltdowns, they’re all tears and not a lot of words. AJ asked me in his deep, comforting, but currently confused voice, "Are you having doubts abou...

Remember that moment when you realized that your parents were human?  Our DNA changes when we go through trauma.  The feelings become part of our bodies and then are inherited by our children.  Our family has been going through some things as of late and my brain constantly has this phrase on loop, "Break the cycle." Don't become a hoarder.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.    Don't stay in an abusive relationship.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Don't fall for get-rich-quick schemes.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Don't fall in line to uphold the patriarchy.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle . Don't hold hate in your heart.   Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle. Don't be close-minded and judgmental.   Break ...

Sometimes I imagine what Mary Magdalene felt like when she gazed at her Master's empty tomb. The loneliness. I also imagine Jesus Christ's appearance there, just waiting for her to realize He had risen. I imagine the moment she realized that He had risen from the dead... .. . Moments I realized that He has risen: * During my baptismal interview. I saw a picture of my Savior and knew that I had faith in him. * During sophomore seminary class with Brother Baker;  t here was a painting of Jesus Christ as he prayed in Gethsemane and I felt His love for me.  * What I felt when I stood up to bear my testimony about living prophets when President Gordon B Hinckley passed away.   * When I was sad and knelt to pray in my old room at my dad's house. I read a scripture and felt peace. I don't remember what it said... * When I learned how much Joseph Smith loved his brother Hyrum and I compared that love to that between my sister Irina and I. It mad...

Some people go through trials to learn to be more humble.  Other people go through trials to learn to be stronger. Every time I take a Pottermore test to see which Hogwarts House I belong to I get Ravenclaw.  Each time I got the results the blue voice in my head would say, ”Nah.  You’re a Hufflepuff.” Hufflepuffs are great.  They are loyal and kind and helpful and good.  That is what I would tell myself as I denied the books and cleverness of a Ravenclaw and submitted to the humble honor of being a Hufflepuff. But that’s not who I am. Humility is not lowering yourself so that others can feel good about themselves. In the Japanese language there are many different levels of respect that one uses depending on who one is speaking to.  As a missionary we were instructed to use honorifics with everyone, even if we spoke to children.  Honestly, I don’t think Jesus would have used honorifics while speaking to children because their language sk...

I've had a chronic cough since January 2018.  Sometimes my prayers go, "Heavenly Father, please help me breath.  Please, I just want to breath." The first six months of this were suffocating.  I couldn't speak full sentences. I was putting people on mute every few words during calls at work.  I couldn't breath.  I had just started to hear myself laugh and sing again, but breathing is the first step towards laughing and singing so those things stopped.    In Japan I couldn't walk without pain.  My knees would hurt intensely after just thirty seconds of standing so I hobbled through my mission with pain in every step.  When my mission president asked me to extend my mission an extra month I looked down at my knee-braces as I tightrope-walked the curb of the sidewalk and immediately said yes.  My prayers changed at that point.  Instead of asking Heavenly Father to heal me I said, "If Thou knowest that I can serve Thee without legs...

I have been financially independent since I graduated high school at 16.  I have not asked my parents for money since then and even though I’m broke, the little I have is what I have created.   Being the daughter of immigrants has been tough.  As a first-generation American if I wanted an education I had to figure out how to pay for it on my own.  None of that, “My grandparents have money saved for my schooling.”  Or, “I’m on my parent’s insurance.”  Nah, my siblings and I don’t get that luxury.  We get to figure things out on our own.  The eight of us siblings take each other to doctor appointments, learn about mortgages, and deal with our crap together.   I’m grateful for my immigrant parents and the things that I have learned from my upbringing. The lack of groundwork and stability provided means I have become strong building my own foundation (yes, I can use power tools as well as the next Latino).  However, I am also acu...

Most of my close friends have babies.  Its a thing.  The oldest of their children is nine.  The youngest less than a year.  Me?  I'm divorced and have no offspring.  Right, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let me tell you all about being a mom.  We are planning a girls trip cruise to Ensenada and I just sit in the background of the group chat waiting for my mom friends to find babysitters or sort things out with their husbands.  When asked for my opinion on dates my response is, "I don't have kids so you guys let me know what works for you and we'll do that." My schedule is wiiiiide open.  Including my nights.  I don't get woken up multiple times a night to comfort a hungry or grumpy child.  I can sleep, or stay up-  it is all on me.  (woot woot)  At my friend's kids' princess/prince birthday party I "borrowed" my niece in order to feel like I had a purpose to be there.  Her mom was there too so ...

This is what I needed God to tell me today. This is happening so that you can learn that you are enough.  This time.  This place.  This moment.  It was all designed so that you can learn that you are everything you need to be right now.  Nothing more, nothing less. Progress can be measured in so many ways.  My Daughter, know that I am God and that I know you.  Know that this too will be only a short while.  Your tears are ever flowing, but you're being molded into a deep river of powerful current that will not be stopped.  You do not know my plan for you. You just don't.  You don't know the grandeur of my plan, you only see what is in front of you.  Have I not shown you my love on so many occasions?  Have I not protected you, helped you, and comforted you when you needed it? Don't you know that I am here?  Don't you know that I am God?  Don't you see, see the joy that is to come if you just hold on a little...

My baby nephew Leonel Mateo died before he was two months old. It broke our hearts. When Nephi’s brothers and sisters-in-law lost their father, they “ mourned exceedingly ” and that led them to be angry at God for their sorrows and difficulties.  I’ve been trying to avoid that, but have been acting in the opposite extreme and have been avoiding mourning in general. I wish he didn’t have to leave. I treasured every moment I got to hold him.  Living with my sister and her family meant I got to hold baby Mateo in the precious moments when his parents needed to focus on other things.  Holding him was the purest, simplest joy my soul has felt.  Holding him meant that I was holding purity. Looking into his eyes taught me again and again that we don’t start at birth.  Burying him taught me that we don’t end at death. The members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are imperfect and sometimes make stupid mistakes, but we hold on to the knowled...