Flex for me, Wonder Woman

Some people go through trials to learn to be more humble.  Other people go through trials to learn to be stronger.

Every time I take a Pottermore test to see which Hogwarts House I belong to I get Ravenclaw.  Each time I got the results the blue voice in my head would say, ”Nah.  You’re a Hufflepuff.”

Hufflepuffs are great.  They are loyal and kind and helpful and good.  That is what I would tell myself as I denied the books and cleverness of a Ravenclaw and submitted to the humble honor of being a Hufflepuff.

But that’s not who I am.

Humility is not lowering yourself so that others can feel good about themselves.

In the Japanese language there are many different levels of respect that one uses depending on who one is speaking to.  As a missionary we were instructed to use honorifics with everyone, even if we spoke to children.  Honestly, I don’t think Jesus would have used honorifics while speaking to children because their language skills are still developing, but the concept of treating everyone with honor is something that I love about Asian culture.

I miss people bowing to each other even if they’re on the phone and can’t actually see each other.  I miss bowing to people to let them know that they deserve respect.  Being strong doesn’t mean you can’t bow.

Going through an abusive marriage taught me just how strong I am.  I would tell myself, “There is light at the end of this tunnel.” and there was.  The moment I decided to leave Rafael was the moment he forbade me from going to my brother’s wedding.  I decided that he couldn’t keep me isolated from my family anymore.  So I left and never went back to him.

All throughout the wedding I got compliments on how skinny I was.  People didn’t know that I wouldn’t leave my room to eat because I was embarrassed that his family would see an uncovered bruise or mention hearing me scream.  People didn’t know I wouldn’t buy food when I was outside because I was hoping that if I saved enough money we would leave his parent’s house; where some people’s eyes were red from drugs and my eyes were red from crying.  They didn’t know that I loved each compliment.

Leaving was empowering.  I felt like Diana of Themyscira- a Wonder Woman who could win any battle as I had already endured the worst.

Every person alive is enduring their worst right now.  As we grow our difficulties do too.  Each year gets harder than the last because we have grown stronger and keep doing so.

Right now I’m learning a different kind of strength.  I no longer have to show charity to the human who hurt me, but I do have to show patience to myself and to God.  I have to learn to recognize my pride and dissolve it so that I can rely on God’s strength instead of my own.

And frankly, it’s a relief.  I’m so tired of having to be strong.  I’m tired of being the only girl not on an elliptical, at The Church’s 7th floor gym.  I’m tired of having been the only Latina in my degree’s upper division courses.  I’m tired of dating younger men that haven’t decided what they want and older men that still haven’t decided what they want.  I am tired of being strong and I’m grateful that I don’t have to be anymore.

In Guatemala I did a heal touch treatment where my great-uncle helped me let go of the negative emotions my body had stored for who knows how long.  As he focused on certain reassure points he would ask things like,

“You don’t like to eat do you?”  To which I responded, “No, I still fight anorexia.”

Or, “Hmm, what happened to you when you were 13?”  My response being,  “Sexually abused by my grandpa in a church building.”

We would focus on whatever uncovered negative emotion and did different mental and emotional exercises to finally let it all go.  His usual sessions last about 3 hours.  Mine lasted 11.

Taking steps to let go of the past and trust that God has a plan for my future has brought me a lot of peace.  I’m less worried about dating than I am about where I will take my siblings on our next road trip.  I hate my job less because I know it’s temporary.  I’m not as lonely because I’m spending more time getting stronger at they gym and more spiritual by preparing for my Sunday School class.

I’m grateful for the peace that comes when I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel because it was created by a God that loves me.  Our Heavenly Parents love us and I want to keep trusting in the eternal plan of happiness that will lead me to being with my family forever.  I put all of the strength of my trust in Thee, Lord, for you are my God and God alone.