Diana Leaney López Ruano

 Who am I, but one human who exists on a planet surrounded by heartbreak, war and pain. I wonder, who am I but a fragile green blowing in the wind, willing itself not to crack, hoping its roots hold for just a moment longer.  When I was younger, I would lose myself in an un-reality that spiraled until all sense of self was gone. Who am I? What am I? What is an "I". What is a being? Is being me real? What is reality? Time, space, imagination. Is anything physical? Is anything something?  I would question until my sense of self dissipated to nothing.  I am still struggling to figure out, at 32, who I am to be when I grow up. Nothing is as I planned as a teen. Nothing exists in the same way. Colonization and its global horrors have built a society that pushes normal humans down and keeps the rich in power.  As we know, I did everything I was meant to do. I did well in school, put myself through college while working, served a Christian mission, graduated, worked. I was an uncomp

To my Afro-Latinx son, I dreamed of you last night. You looked at me. I saw in your eyes the weight of being black in the home of the free white man. The fear of raising an Afro-Latinx in Utah stayed with me as I rose from my bed. I have been working on healing from my inherited colonization oppression so that maybe I can alleviate a bit of the difficult history that is your inheritance. 400 years of slavery-turned-oppression in the US + 500 years of colonization-turned-colorism in Latino America = too much for your eight-year-old shoulders to bear. I hope I can alleviate that burden. Principe bello know that even though our system is broken, it doesn’t mean that you are. You are not the problem. Unfortunately, your father and I will need to teach you how to survive in the Whitened States, but we will also teach you about your gorgeous African, Black, and Latinx heritage. Albeit, you will be confused. We definitively were while growing up. We were oreos and coconuts . Not white

I don't swear, not out loud at least. Weeell, when I'm mad I'll say the D word in my head (or aloud, but softly).  When I was in the fourth grade I would swear openly because I thought it made me sound cool.  I still feel bad about it sometimes.  My sister-in-law laughed at me when I mentioned my swearing guilt aloud.   Guilt.   Shame.   Human connection is built on a ledger of cultural rules and stipulations that we must abide by or be seen as wrong, different, rude, feared, misinformed, or just, stupid. If I were to write out a numbered list of all of my " sins " you would be scrolling until JRR Tolkien dozed off from the regretful romantic repetition of my remorses. Guilt.   The difference between Guilt and Shame is that Guilt makes you want to change for the better and Shame makes you feel worthless for even existing long enough to make the mistake in the first place.  Examples:   Guilt: "Swearing isn't helping my situation

When I found out that one of my siblings removed their name from church records I had already started working in the Headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and was shocked. I didn't understand then as to why they did it.  But I think I  get it now.  I'm understanding how much pain and suffering a single institution can hurt a human being. So many topics that are hurtful to those it affects... be it racism, sexual orientation, history, polygamy, colorism, gender roles and soooo many other questions unanswered and so much unapologetic pain. Yes, I have been struggling with my own trial of faith.  After months of dealing with the confusion I felt as I contemplated on one of The Church's teachings that had been hurting me for almost a year, I had a meltdown. Maybe you've been a witness to one of my meltdowns, they’re all tears and not a lot of words. AJ asked me in his deep, comforting, but currently confused voice, "Are you having doubts abou

Remember that moment when you realized that your parents were human?  Our DNA changes when we go through trauma.  The feelings become part of our bodies and then are inherited by our children.  Our family has been going through some things as of late and my brain constantly has this phrase on loop, "Break the cycle." Don't become a hoarder.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.    Don't stay in an abusive relationship.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Don't fall for get-rich-quick schemes.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Don't fall in line to uphold the patriarchy.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle . Don't hold hate in your heart.   Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle. Don't be close-minded and judgmental.   Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle. Don't be emotionally unavailable to your chi

Sometimes I imagine what Mary Magdalene felt like when she gazed at her Master's empty tomb. The loneliness. I also imagine Jesus Christ's appearance there, just waiting for her to realize He had risen. I imagine the moment she realized that He had risen from the dead... .. . Moments I realized that He has risen: * During my baptismal interview. I saw a picture of my Savior and knew that I had faith in him. * During sophomore seminary class with Brother Baker;  t here was a painting of Jesus Christ as he prayed in Gethsemane and I felt His love for me.  * What I felt when I stood up to bear my testimony about living prophets when President Gordon B Hinckley passed away.   * When I was sad and knelt to pray in my old room at my dad's house. I read a scripture and felt peace. I don't remember what it said... * When I learned how much Joseph Smith loved his brother Hyrum and I compared that love to that between my sister Irina and I. It made h